What the brick--?!?

In honor of “Script Frenzy,” I have written the following short dialogue, which takes place not far from lower slumburbia (southwest Wheaton, in this instance).

Boilerplate Disclaimer:  All characters appearing in this work are fictitious.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental and derives from heretofore untapped psychic powers.

INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE TRAILER - EARLY SPRING, DAYTIME

The contractor, JOE, sits on a broken swivel chair, looking over change order forms and other assorted paperwork.  ELMER, a construction worker, enters the room and stands there until JOE notices him.

ELMER

Boss?  My family is growing very fast and I need more space right now.  I want to ask you--

JOE

--what, buddy?  You lookin’ for another bonus?  Or even more overtime?!  You know, work slowed down a bit in the off-season and I think you should really take it easy.  (Pauses.)  Hold on, didn’t you move out of that roach magnet and into a new house in the suburbs not too long ago?  What gives?

ELMER

Yes, but, you see, this house is very small, less than 900 feet.  My wife wants all our boys to have their own rooms and she wants a new kitchen and we have a corner lot, so I--

JOE

--well, why didn’t you say so?!  You want to take that surplus off my hands?  That stuff left over from the jobs last season?  Help yourself, buck.

ELMER

Thank you; I owe you big, Mr. Joe.

JOE

Sure.  Hey, you want those pallets of cinderblocks for cheap?  I really need to free up the space for some new shipments.

ELMER

Yeah, I take those.  Also, I see you have very many leftover yellow bricks--

JOE

--go ahead and help yourself to those, too.  And you’ll need some mortar mix.  Y’know, I’ve even got some manufacturer mortar dye samples you can play with, if you want ’em.

ELMER

Oh, very good!  Thank you, man!

JOE

No problem, charlie.  Show me some photos once you get things going.

ELMER

I will!

The result:

A Lower Slumburbia DIY McMansion —
Fugly Supersized Rear Addition / Re-McModel Variant

That’s right, folks, it’s just your average slumburban

“Surplus Supply Shotgun Special” :



Now let’s examine this aesthetically-challenged architectural hybrid from hell:

1. On the right we have an original Dutch colonial brick-and-frame duplex with a quirky mansard roof, circa 1950.

2. On the left we have a brick-and-block millenial monstrosity, circa 2000-2003.

Exterior Side Wall (Northeast Exposure):

Let’s call this creative color scheme “Adobe Sunset” (or perhaps “El Dorado ” or “La Casa Puesta del Sol ” if we’re marketing to Spanish-speakers).

This wall features:

• 1/5 pink brick with white mortar

• 2/5 pale yellow brick with pink mortar

• 2/5 pale yellow brick with dun mortar

• flimsy builder-grade windows/doors

The spouse calls this ample annex the “Pink Elephant.”  I’ve gotta admit that it does kind of resemble a pink elephant, with its rosy coloration and ear-like frontal overhang.  And if I were one of the itinerant neighborhood drunks, it might make me do a double take, too.



Check out the decorative bricklaying 8-9 feet above grade.  The manic masons decided to lay down a course of “soldiered” bricks just above the first floor windows and side entry door.  The outer ends of the lintel blocks are flush with the corners of the windows, so they provide absolutely no structural advantage over the standard running bond brick pattern, which would have been functionally superior in this case.  (These corners should be fine as long as they used steel lintels, but they really squandered an opportunity to combine form and function in the masonry here.)

The railings look like they’re interior-grade, untreated wood that is supposed to be primed and painted, or at least stained and sealed.  Using this interior millwork for entryways seems to be very popular here in lower slumburbia.  Hence, you tend to see split and rotting wood railings (sometimes with missing balusters) that were installed just within the last 5-10 years.

Exterior Rear Wall (Southeast Exposure):

(If this vivid spectacle is not yet seared into your brain, feel free to scroll back up to reference the top photos again.)

• cinderblock painted a dullish custard yellow

• more cheap builder-grade windows/doors

Other Tidbits:

• assorted junk, typical of casual slumburban living, including the obligatory molded plastic patio chairs

• rebar-embedded cinderblock retaining wall, topped off with a layer of cement (Quikrete or somesuch)

• not pictured: generously proportioned shed/outbuilding, free-roving collie

If I were in a foamcore fantasy band...

I just ran across this local blog, “Foam Core Fantasy.”  I discovered it because the author (who goes by Cyndy) sometimes comments on Scenic Wheaton’s blog.  (My running joke about the difference between my own Wheaton blog and “Scenic Wheaton” is that mine could easily be titled “Splenic Wheaton.”)

When I first saw the phrase “Foam Core Fantasy,” it struck me as an excellent name for a band.  The band’s sound would be something like mildly spacey effects-heavy synth pop backed with hair metal guitar.

Like some unholy fusion of Esqu¡vel, Erasure, Pet Sh0p Boys, Def Leppard, and Poison, maybe.

It turns out that the foam core in question actually describes something along the lines of engineered pre-fab construction panels with extraordinary R-values.

I have no idea where the foam core blogger’s house is located or even whether it’s in Montgomery County, for that matter.  A few of the exterior photos suggest some semi-rural suburban gentrification haven like Olney or Burtonsville.  The house pictured exudes a sort of 21st-century farmhouse exurban boho chic.

I’ve stumbled across other similar blogs while searching for home improvement keywords and FCF falls under what I might call the “home remodeling fetish” blog genre.

Due to our current circumstances, I personally favor the “Xtreme DIY” blogs that get into the nuts and bolts of home improvement materials and practices.  The XDIY blogs are good sources of know-how and inspiration for people who can’t (stand to) pay other people to perform improvement & reconstruction work for them.

Anyways, the FCF blog inspires me to put more home “improvement” stuff up here in this sprawling blogspace, once the spouse and I get back into the low-budget demolition & seat-of-our-pants “design-build” renovation work later this spring.

More pictures + less blogorrhea  ==  less echo-chamber diarist blogging

(I was originally going to embed a video of “If I were a carpenter” in this post.  Ultimately, I just couldn’t bring myself to inflict any of the cheesy versions of that song on the few hapless souls who stumble on this junk heap of blogging damage.)